Are you a can-do creative ready to take on the world?
Do you have a proven track record of unearthing outside-the-box communications stratagems for society’s biggest problems? Like humanity’s pesky defiance of their rightful mutant overlords?
When the going gets tough, are you the type that rolls up the spandex sleeves of your Outreach & Pacification Suit and tackles every obstacle in your path, head-on? All while shouting “DIE YOU LOUSY GENESCUM!” and conjuring up creatures of living flame? Bonus points if you can make a giant, fiery amphibian!
Think you got what it takes to put the “neato” in Magneto?
If you said yes, then we might have a position for you! Magneto, feared and exalted MASTER OF MAGNETISM, and The Toad, less flashy, perhaps, but still vital-to-The-Struggle-and-also-payroll-services MASTER OF MIDDLE MANAGEMENT, are looking for a savvy, savage PR rockstar to join our fast-growing mutant startup.
As our Mutant Liberation Media Strategist, your head will LITERALLY droop from all the hats you’ll be wearing. You’ll be our movement’s folklorist. Our soothsayer. Our secret lair’s receptionist in the afternoons, or whenever Fern takes a day. Our mouthpiece. Our foaming, ill-bred pitbull, to be let off your leash whenever the humano-fascists provoke our ire. Our gelatorista. Our very own in-house apostle, omnicasting our message about the benefits of crushing humankind into tiny, perforated bits.
Positive attitudes only, please.
Oh, did we mention that all those hats piled on your head will shield you from that bald pervert Xavier’s mind control? And that they must be worn at all times, or you will face the jagged metal-ed consequences?
That’s just one of the many, many mandatory perks here at the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, the world’s hippest hyper-evolved paramilitary and digital solutions group!
The B.O.E.M. isn’t your grandpa’s “typical” office of supervillains, satisfied with robbing banks and wearing green and blowing up Air Force One and bla bla bla bla YAWN. That old para-dime might be good enough for Dr. Doom, but to us? It just doesn’t make cents.
So we do all that. Then we film it. Then we put it in .gif form. Then we cough it up as “phlegmy” viral content. Then we watch as the Status Quo Sapien crumbles, one “like” at a time.
But we’re not simply the booming voice of the Mutant Ascendancy Movement either, the one that rattles the blood-caked ear drums of the human oppressors via our weekly podcast, This Mutant Life, a regular fixture on the iTunes Store Top 10 Podcasts Chart.
We’re also a tight-knit family that loves to party!
(Let’s just say that our happy hours have got us booted from several Applebees. (Let’s also just say that this blatant speciesism earned those Applebees a sudden, violent relocation to the Kuiper Belt, courtesy of MAGNETISM.))
Everyone — and we mean everyone — in the Brotherhood gets an equal vote on how we carry out our dual mission: tirelessly advocating for our mutant brethren on one hand, and introducing the feeble human armies to our stockpile of rusted icepicks and gassed-up Ford Pintos on the other. The exceptions to the equal vote policy are Magneto and The Toad, whose votes will be equaler than yours, although not necessarily equal to each other. The point is this: objections to this policy will be met with the serrated utensil-ed repercussions.
By the way, did we mention that Magneto, SCOURGE OF SCIATICA, gives free (mandatory) acupuncture sessions right next to our game room/holding cell? The perks at the B.O.E.M are killer, y’all.
So let’s talk about you!
Our ideal candidate will have AWESOME-level superpowers in communications, networking, social media, energy/thought projection, and SEO analysis. They’ll be an admitted words junkie, able to take a huge hit of “apocalyptic reversal of Earth’s magnetic fields” and cough up lungfuls of “refreshing relaunch of long-stagnant polarity models!”
And that’s just for starters.
We need a visionary who catches every detail. Maybe it’s because their precious genegift lets them gaze far into the Magneto-ruled future. Or maybe it’s because of the thousands and thousands of detail-oriented eyes scattered over every inch of their body.
We don’t know, you tell us!
This position reports directly to the Associate Director of Communications (The Toad.) It requires regular cross-departmental collaboration with, and blind obedience to, the Associate Directors of our marketing, merchandising, and ground assault divisions (all The Toad.) You will take the “lead” (under the unquestioned leadership of The Toad) in building a dynamic multi-platform narrative of mutant empowerment that synergizes with the B.O.E.M.’s wider campaign of revenge and destruction waged against the humans and all those genecoats who dare side with them. You will “own” our organization’s press releases, blogs, wall posts, tweets, ransom notes, and any and all threatening missives to the human President and/or that creepy old Professor (Se)X (Offender.)
(But The Toad is the ultimate owner. Never forget this. If you do forget this, you will be jumped on repeatedly from a great height.)
It’s essential that you be a warm, enthusiastic team-player, i.e. no jerks allowed!
- Usher in a less-human | human-less utopia by crafting witty, provocative, SEO-optimized content
- Manage the B.O.E.M.’s social media empire (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube, G+, Reddit, The Toad’s Tinder, LinkedIn, Tumblr), maintaining consistent message of mutant superiority throughout
- Be our research and fact-checking ninja; also be our real ninja
- Proactive outreach to, and constant surveillance of, media/Opinion Evolvers
- Report all professional output, personal conversations, and movements of said media/Opinion Evolvers to the Associate Director of Species Integration (again, The Toad) for possible introduction to our Mutant Sensitivity Training and Retribution Center
- Guard secret lair from Xavier’s meddling kids
- Prepare buzzy A-list events for launch of CereBros™,the first Toad-designed mutant-to-mutant hangout app
- Ensure that Magneto, WHO LITERALLY RULES WITH AN IRON FIST, is always pleased
- The Toad should also be pleased
- Undergraduate degree in communications, English, journalism, or mutant studies from top-tier Ivy League university preferred (UPenn graduates will not be considered)
- 5+ years of progressive responsibility in public relations and media strategy at a reputable supervillain organization (Hydra, Sinister Six, Tea Party Patriots, etc.)
- Zuckerberg-esque network of bloggers, journalists, photographers, celebrities, and brainwashed human lackeys in your Contacts list
- Superlative writing skills
- Comfortable in a fast-paced, deadline-driven, blood-soaked, laser-filled work environment
- Unshakable devotion to mutant supremacy and its prehensile-tongued folk heros
- MASTER OF MICROSOFT Word, Excel, and Powerpoint
- Every mutant power will be considered, but telepathy helps!
So if you think you have what it takes, send your resume, cover letter, and an essay explaining five ways an uncanny vertical leap might prove more useful than the ability to move metal with your thoughts to email@example.com. Applicants calling our office should be prepared for the large dishwasher dropped on their head-ed fallout.
The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants is an Equal Opportunity Employer.